Self-Love Before Self Sabotage | Shinyere Davis

31 August 2017

Let’s talk about self-sabotaging after heartbreak.

How many of us have experienced broken hearts? Between the sleepless nights, tear stained pillows, unanswered texts and phone calls, and the hunt for validation that we cannot seem to find in the one who disappointed our vision of love.

How many of us accept negligent behaviors, both from ourselves and our partners, that result in turbulence, insecurities, and just plain ol’ settling? 

Believe me, I have been there!

We feel like we’ve lost ourselves.  We feel like we can’t go on, healthily or happily without this one person, and before we know it, we let our feelings of inadequacy and fear drive us into making irrational decisions.

We go into an emotional overdrive trying to make the pain disappear.  Instant gratification becomes our necessity and we find ourselves settling for behaviors and feelings that are temporary and the least beneficial to us and our healing process.

Many times, we hold onto the idea of love and the idea of the person we are no longer with. We become consumed by their potential.  We consider how things could have worked out if our partner had been more mature and caring.  We wonder if the relationship could have lasted if we were more emotionally stable.  We may even persuade ourselves that love requires struggle, pain, and a multitude of complexities to make it real.

After self-analyzing, replaying your relationship over and over in your head, and concluding that something, anything, could have made it better, you are still left with yourself, your heart, and your thoughts. 

Self-love begins with self-acceptance and acknowledging the ways in which you need to grow.

Here are 3 ways to practice self-love, the best preventative measure to avoid self-sabotaging after heartbreak:

1.      Nurture Yourself
Do not rush yourself through a healing heart. 

Be easy, be understanding, be open with yourself.  This is a very vulnerable and trying time for you.  If you suppress the natural feelings that come along with a broken heart, you are selling yourself short! Stop relying so heavily on distractions, and focus on who’s most important here, you. 

Whether it’s a long meditative shower, a day dedicated to pampering yourself, or a night you lie in bed and just cry it out, give yourself the time you need to heal. 

2.      Surround Yourself with Positive Vibes

Who needs negativity in their life after a broken heart? Nobody.  

As difficult as it may be to shy away from dwelling in a negative space, stay clear of people, places, and things that discourage your healing.  Whether it’s your homegirl who thrives on the latest gossip, your ex’s Instagram, or the restaurant you went to for date night every Friday, don’t taunt yourself with unnecessary energy or reminders of that person.

Put on those tunnel vision glasses and focus on the things and people that remind you of your greatness. 

3.      Take Accountability and Seek Closure Within

At times, it can be easier to point the finger and play the blame game.  “He hurt me because he was a selfish cheater.” “She left me because she had unrealistic expectations!”

All the claims and speculations may acknowledge the wrongdoings in your previous relationship, but they sure don’t assist you with gaining the closure you need to move on.

Taking accountability for the ways in which you needed to grow and the behaviors you learned to no longer accept , is a sure way to begin healing.

In my experience, even when your ex can fully acknowledge the pain they have caused you, you do not find closure until you forgive yourself and decide that your ex, that relationship, and that time in your life is detrimental to your growth.  You can forgive someone without allowing them or their behaviors to affect your well-being.

Loving yourself, means loving the truth, even when it hurts.  Learning to accept that you will make mistakes and learn from them, will give you the mental strength to move forward and make even better decisions!

Today is the day for self-love. How will you begin healing?

Shinyere Davis

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